Did I get used? |
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The last year of my life has been very messed up. I caught the woman I had been with for 7 years with my best friend and I ended up hurting him real bad. I narrowly escaped prison. When all this happened, I lost all my friends and everything I knew but a friend who came from out of state to stay with me after she lost her house stayed by my side through it all. She was there when no one else was and I'm thankful for that. During that time I had bad anger problems and I took everything I was going through and lashed out at her when she probably didn't really deserve it. But time has passed and after everything I feel like I have grown and am a different person now. Through it all we did the things that couples do and I felt like she was mine but she says she never counted us as a couple because it was too soon for me to get into another relationship and she didn't want to be a rebound- and yet we did everything together. She wants to leave. I made a promise to myself to not cheat in relationships anymore and live right but she doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe or trust anything I say. That hurts and makes me mad even though I do know where she's coming from. But now I think she just used me to have a place to stay. She hasn't worked in the last year and blames me because she said she felt like I kept her on a leash. She says even though I am better than I used to be she still walks on eggshells. She keeps basing everything on the past and I want to talk about 'now' but she says she is too hurt by everything I did and keeps throwing it in my face when we fight. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm not proud of what I did but I was going through a bad place in life which is why I did what I did. Yes, I know it's no excuse to do what I did but if she doesn't want to be with me I keep wondering if she just used me for a place to stay. And I don't understand why she can't seem to remember any of the good times we had. We had some good times but those don't seem to count. I feel like I understand but then I don't. I want to earn her trust but nothing I do counts. She says words aren't good enough. So how long am I supposed to wait? How long does it take to earn someone's trust? She says she has a lot of anger and resentment towards me and I understand but if she does why doesn't she move on? That's what makes me think she is just holding out until she can move on to something else. |
Answers
EmilyA:Hope you don't mind my input but first of all, you hurt your 'best friend' in such a way that it nearly warranted a prison term? You also say you had anger problems and took everything you were going through and lashed out at this woman- who stayed by your side when everyone else fled- when she didn't really deserve it? Hm. I can't exactly gauge to what severity that might have been but it's unlikely to me anyone would go through undeserved tirades just for a place to stay. I know that you say you are a different person now but maybe it's that, while you were 'growing up', you did a lot of damage to whatever relationship you tried to have with this woman. That may be why she says she wants to leave. If in fact she's had a front row seat to your anger problems, it's possible she's not ready to trust you just because you SAY you're a changed man. When you say she says she has anger and resentment and that she's still walking on eggshells despite your progress, it would seem to me there is some lingering trauma of some sort- at least for her. Are you still wanting a relationship with this woman? If so, it may be you have a lot of damage to repair. How long does it take to earn someone's trust? Well, it isn't earned overnight- especially if you're the one who broke it to begin with. Unfortunately, there is no magic number of months, days or years either. If you really are set on getting this woman's trust back the answer is: as long as it takes. Everyone is different. You've got to show it, not just say it. You can tell anyone you're a changed man and I can tell anyone I'm a supermodel. It doesn't make it true, you know what I mean? You'll have the burden of proving it through your actions and how you live from here on out. Why she hasn't worked in the last year, I couldn't tell you because if it were me, I'd have scraped every penny together to escape a roommate/boyfriend that was taking crap out on me. It could not have been a picnic for her if in fact you were lashing out at her when she didn't deserve it. Kudos to you for accepting your responsibility in the mess but maybe you still have a little further to go. If she can't trust you or you can't trust her, then yeah, you two need to have a solid exit plan. Sometimes people bond through trauma or when they go through difficult times together and that makes letting go hard. But when the ghosts of hard times past haunt a relationship and one or both people in a relationship can't let it go, it's just no way to live. Love each other enough to let each other go. BTW- if I read the situation or your question wrong, I apologize but that's just what I got out of what you wrote.
2010-09-08 15:48
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marinemj:honestly, when i read this question, i had a lot to say, but i didn't have time. then i came back to it and saw that emily had said pretty much everything i wanted to say. hooray! seriously- i doubt she was using you. and it takes more than words to earn someone's trust. you have to live it- maybe for a long time. are you ready to do that? if not, then it's time to end things. i think if you two do want to stay together, you should seek some counseling together, even if it's just a few sessions.
2010-09-08 18:40
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harleygirl:
I think your assessment of the situation is correct. You seem to be able to take responsibility for your actions and you're not making excuses. I think it's time to tell your lady friend that you realize that there's nothing you can do to win her trust and it's time for her to move on. Then give her a deadline. How she reacts will be very telling. Try not to let her manipulate you. I think you've been through enough. If you still have anger issues, you might want to get some counseling for that.